The holidays are a time of light, celebration, and connection—or so we’re told. For many, however, this season shines a spotlight on what is absent. Empty chairs at the table, missed milestones, or the ache of transitions in work and relationships can make the holidays a tender and challenging time. I see this as a regular, even routine, aspect of my work as a psychotherapist.
Grief during the holidays is not just about the loss of loved ones. As Mary-Frances O’Connor, psychologist and director of the Grief, Loss, and Social Stress Lab at the University of Arizona, reminds us, grief can arise from any form of loss—missed opportunities, a career change, or even the traditions that no longer feel the same. O’Connor’s research reframes grief as a process of learning. “Grieving,” she says, “is a form of adapting to the absence of what was once familiar.”
The holidays, with their emotional weight and expectations, can intensify grief, but they also offer an opportunity for growth. Grieving is not something to “get over” but an opportunity to embrace an experience that reminds us we are alive and have loved. When we acknowledge our pain, we create space for healing and even transformation.
If you find yourself feeling pressure to “be okay” or “stay festive” and are seeking ways to navigate the season with compassion and authenticity, you might consider a practice developed by Michele McDonald (and popularized by Tara Brach) summarized by the acronym R.A.I.N.
Recognize: recognize when difficult feelings are arising that may be associated with grief. Allow: Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. It’s not just okay to feel, but healthy. Investigate (or inquire): bring curiosity to what you are feeling. What does it feel like in your body? What thoughts or images arise as you allow yourself to feel? Nurture: offer yourself and whatever you are experiencing a thought or gesture of compassion. Imagine someone who deeply cares about your wellbeing sees and understands. What might they say? What might they do for you that expresses kindness and care?
Though grief may feel like an unwelcome guest at the holiday table, it carries an invitation: to grow, adapt, and discover strength in our vulnerability. When we are able to embrace the full spectrum of our emotions, we can find that grief, like the season, offers the opportunity to experience the fullness of being alive.
This year, as the lights twinkle and the music plays, take a moment to honor what is present – here, now, in this moment. Just this.
